Decentering men is hot

My quick, unsolicited review on the Vogue's 'boyfriend-embarrassment' saga

British Vogue has decided that having a boyfriend is embarrassing now. This is not even news at this point. Everybody knows this; they’ve made reels on it, and the discussion is dying now. I might be the last person on planet Earth to read this article.

But I did it. I finally read it. And obviously, you will hear my two cents on it.

Chante Joseph discusses how women are removing or blurring the faces of their boyfriends on their social media simply because they do not want to be seen with them, because the internet has decided that having a boyfriend is embarrassing now. As someone who recently unfollowed an influencer because of all the boyfriend content on my feed, I get this article more than anyone. However, I do think there’s a bigger shift going on that’s larger than our collective feelings towards having or not having a boyfriend. Having a boyfriend isn’t embarrassing, but centering men is. Decentering men is in, and I’m so here for it.

I do not think romantic relationships are embarrassing or something you shouldn’t have. I’m all for having a boyfriend and thriving under healthy relationships. However, there this one recurring pattern I’ve noticed happening with women whenever they are in a relationship with someone: they surround their lives around the existence of that one guy. They make plans according to their boyfriend’s schedule and treat every other relationship as somewhat secondary. He’s always there, in the conversations with them, in the plans, and in everything she decides to post on social media. This was accumulating into the pile of things we’re annoyed about, and now the scale is broken.

We’re all tired of women surrounding their self-worth with a guy, and that, too, a dangerously mediocre one. “An extraordinary man is just an average woman” is what I read on Pinterest the other day, and has since been my favourite quote. I get really happy whenever I see someone in a healthy relationship, but the fact is that many women do not, in fact, know how to love without decentering anyone in their lives. Decentering does not equate dislike, and dependency does not equate love. Maybe that’s why it is deemed embarrassing, because it is so uncool to not be a strong, independent woman and fall for a man. Today, it seems like you cannot be relationship AND be cool. But the two can co-exist. And I can prove it to you.

Those of you aware of the Zohran Mamdani campaign must also have come across Rama Duwaji, an American artist and Zohran’s wife. Mamdani, who has now been elected as the mayor of New York, held a political campaign that drew people’s attention above and beyond New York City. Naturally, Rama Duwaji also became a part of this discourse for being “the woman behind the successful man”.

Despite having her husband at the forefront of the elections, Rama’s social media does not quite discuss that at all. Her social media is unapologetically about herself, her obsessions, and her identity. She exists beside him, and not behind him. This is a refreshing quality to see, especially in a world where wives of public figures tend to rebrand themselves as mere accessories.

A lot of it happens unconsciously; the rest of the time, the patriarchy is at play. However, I’m only talking about a certain privileged class of women who can afford to curate their own identity but choose not to. Rama shows us that women can be in love, be partnered, be married to powerful men, and still exist as their own fully-formed selves. She’s the proof that decentering men isn’t anti-relationship—it’s pro-self.

This factor exists in every little facet of our lives. I’ve personally seen many people who schedule outings according to their plans with their boyfriend or their Hinge dates. I first heard it on a podcast long ago, that it’s men who we need to learn to maintain friendships from. Their ability to prioritise their friendships and group gatherings is commendable, and as much as it hurts to say this, I think this is the one thing we need to learn from men. If you ask me, I think romantic relationships are overrated. I would much rather build platonic relationships rather than get disappointed for the 20th time because a guy didn’t ask me any questions on a date.

I’m turning 20 next month, and I haven’t been in a long-term relationship with anyone so far. I’ve always looked down upon this and wanted to find a guy who was willing to make that commitment with me. Looking back, I’m glad I’ve never had a boyfriend, for it made me the person I am today. I have seen my personality develop in ways unimaginable, which wouldn’t have happened had I been in a long-term relationship with someone early on in my life. I know and have a strong sense of self now, which is why now seems like the best time to do so. I’m glad I did not make dating a guy my entire personality and get lost in him, because I know I would’ve. I know myself enough to say that, which is exactly my point. I am disgustingly self-aware; there’s nothing you can tell me about myself that I don’t know. I have spent a large amount of my time reflecting on this stuff, instead of reflecting on the actions of a bare minimum guy who texts me back 18 hours later and then ghosts me after. Decentering men is hot, and I think you should, too.

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